Bob the Felon*

* Name has been changed to protect the not-so-innocent


We went to my parents’ house for the weekend of the 4th of July. There was a reunion of sorts that took place on Saturday. It’s cousins from my dad’s side and then just random other people that know the cousins. Most of the 30 people that attended were retired (or at least that age bracket). Besides my mom coming down with a nasty bladder infection (TMI alert!), things went quite well. The weather cooperated and everyone had a good time. Including Bob the Felon.


My mom let us know in the morning that cousin Nancy was bringing her son, Bob the Felon. I love it that he has a title, as it were. The only thing is, I’m not sure he knows. I asked how he became a felon and I was told it had to do with a switchblade and drugs. Ooooooo. Oh, and he’s never held a job in his life. Which blows my mind. How could you go through life (he’s in his 40’s) and not have a job?? Maybe it’s all part of his persona, his legendary status.


Nancy and Bob were the first to arrive at the party. She brought cole slaw, he brought his ipod. He’s someone that looks like Penn the magician (from Penn and Teller) or his brother. Long black and grey pony tail, black clothes, unseasonably heavy boots, and glasses. I purposely kept myself busy so I didn’t have to really engage in a conversation with him as I frankly didn’t trust myself not to say something stupid. Like, “How was your time in the pen?” It only goes downhill from there. I haven’t seen enough movies or HBO specials to answer my bevy of inane questions.


While Bob seemed nice enough and non-threatening, once a felon, always a felon. Every woman carrying a purse was giving other women “the look”. The “where did you hide your purse?” look. Then one of the women lost her Pandora bracelet! “Oh no, where is my (expensive) bracelet??!!!” Oh dear. The kids were sent off in different directions with promise of a reward. The bracelet gal headed to the car to check to see if it was there and found it on the floor. I guess she didn’t clasp it well even though it has a 4 point harness on it. But that hadn’t stopped everyone from thinking that Bob had somehow lifted it from her using the magic he learned from his brother. After Ms. Pandora found her bracelet, my husband told her that it was a good thing she found it or we were going to have to draw straws to see who was going to give Bob a strip search. After that, Ms. Pandora fell in love with my husband. That and the fact that he’s handy.


Bob the Felon and his mom left without incident and a fun time was had by all! Happy 4th of July!

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